Welcome to my Fire

Tending to my fire has been my greatest life’s work. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wavered between a smoky purposelessness, a raging blaze of anxiety, a dim flame passion for life and an unstoppable forest fire raging for power. These flames have spread throughout the crevices of my body, from my heart to my belly to the space between my legs. It’s probably why I’ve always had a soft spot for firemen.

She has roamed throughout my being and has cried out for attention that I tend to her and be ready at any give moment to offer her tinder or oxygen or water or a soft blanket. But unfortunately, I have never been a fire-keeper. I have had all this fire and have never known what to do to keep her burning at a pace that I could keep up with. She’s always been too great for me to handle or she’s receded to a pitiful peanut-sized flame.
Yet, I have arrived at a place where I cannot deny her anymore. I can no longer ignore her loud crackles, her embers burning me from the inside, her heat boiling my blood, her gases smoking me out. I have come to see that I either accept her or she continues to control my existence. And in accepting her as she is, I have to accept me as I am - built of fire.
In that acceptance, there is this yearning to get to know her intimately. For, when we are friends, she can be fed with nourishment from me and I can receive her warmth. That way, we can work together for the greater good of both of us. She stays lit AF and I continue to grow. For her gift is the gift of transmutation. All which is thrown to her is not simply burned away, but it is metamorphosed into something else. This is the magic of fire. She takes in, she alchemizes and she puts out the never before seen, the unrecognisable, the new.
So, this is my offering to her: I will no longer go running through the fire exit. Nor will I stop, drop and roll. I offer to her my anxieties of not feeling enough in this big bad world. I offer to her my stresses about money, love and power. I offer to her my addictions and my indulgences. I offer to her my search for purpose in this life.
I know in the centre of her flame - in the centre of mine - that she will receive whatever I throw in. I know that she knows exactly what to do with it all. I trust her. I embrace her as me and me as her.
For I am her keeper and as such I am her.
The keeper and the one who is kept are not separate.
I am fire, governess of transmutation.